I am sorry that I've been out of the loop lately, but I know that I should start to fill in the gaps. I recently realized that I haven't been happy in my relationship for a long time. Years. This realization has been sinking in over the last few months as I've formed closer bonds with people at work and in WoW, and have started to laugh and enjoy life again. There was really no one earth-shattering event, more like a rumbling that finally rocked the foundation loose.
I've decided to leave my current relationship. We are calling it a 'separation'. I need time to find out who I am and how I can be happy again, and start living my life again (not just trudging through day-by-day). We are both hopeful that after this period apart, we can start to date again, talk more openly, and be honest with each other. I think one of the hardest things for me to hear is that he thought that I was acting the way I have because it's just the way I was. I thought 'What about that bright, young peppy girl that you fell in love with? The one that would turn and kiss you at every red light?'. I guess with time those memories fade until we don't realize that a person has changed. He is working very hard on being more open with me, and I really do appreciate it, but I just need time by myself. I think that with time I can be more open with him again and maybe we can work through these issues that have made me feel so numb for so long.
I am scared. Mostly of where I am going to live, how I'm going to get by. This is somewhat balanced by the excitement I feel about starting to do the things that once made me very happy, that filled my life with friends and fun. I am going to start bowling again. I am going to play tennis again. I am going to go to church and try not to be angry and resentful about those I have lost. I am finally going to grieve. I am going to take trips by myself. I am going to go somewhere I've always wanted to but never did. I'm going to write again (I know... crappy poetry INC!). I am going to finish my degree. I'm going to spend time getting to know my friends. I'm going to go out on the weekends and meet new people. I'm going to take long walks. I'm going to visit the friends that I've rekindled relationships with on myspace. Most importantly, I am going to go through a period of self reflection where I can hopefully learn to overcome my own personal issues and learn to love myself.
This whole thing makes me feel very 'Bridget Jones'… maybe I should keep a diary. I'm not sure I'd want everyone to read it though…
That's all for now, I will write an update when I've found a place to live for a while and start settling in.
Thank you for the love and support you have given me so far, and for the support I'm sure to receive in the upcoming months. It means a lot to me to have the friends I do.